Entourage: People on cellphones
by Jack Swearengen Ruby
Summary: Pretty much every episode of Entourage has this scene in one form or another.


**Ari Gold is walking from his car to the elevator to his office. He answers the Phone. It's Lloyd, out in a meeting with Matt Damon.**

Lloyd: Ari, Matt Damon's people want to know if…

Ari: Lloyd when I want a status update I will pull it out of your inexplicably asian mouth!

Lloyd: Ari?

Ari: I have an irrational annoyance for you for no adequately explained reason!

Lloyd: Seriously Ari? I haven't done anything to deserve such hostile treatment.

Ari: Maybe you should have thought of that before you decided to be so Asian and so gay! Now hang up this phone and handle this Matt Damon situation before I very ardently and in great detail, describe something very painful and embarrassing that I will do to your genitals.

**Lloyd hangs up. **

**Ari gets on the elevator. His Cell rings again. It's Vincent Chase.**

Ari: Vinny! How are things you multi-million dollar mega-star?

Vince: Not good Ari. Variety just reported that I'm not reaching my quota.

Ari: You're salary Quota? That's ridiculous V! you made 40 million last year from the deal with Scorsese! You're on top Vin!

Vince: Not that quota Ari… my annual "hot random chick" quota.

Ari:. **Obviously confused at first, but then** …Vince, I don't think im qualified to…

**cut to vince sitting up in bed, no less that 20 naked women lying in the background.**

Vince: This is a concern Ari! My obvious sex appeal makes me a hit in this industry! If word gets out that I'm not drawing em in like I used to, my credibility is shot! American audiences aren't ready to accept a strong male lead who cant' have sex with a virtually endless stream of random, nameless women who I'll never mention ever again after I'm done with them.

Ari: Vince. If there is one non-gay person who is utterly convinced of your ability to bed random attention whores, its me! I will call up Variety right now and handle this the same way I handle all problems: force them to retract by threatening their balls with very serious injury.

Vince: thanks ari. I'd appreciate it.

Ari: You are my number 1 client V!

**Ari hangs up. He attempts to call Eric, but his cell rings again. It's Turtle**

Ari: Son of a!…**answers** Turtle?

Turtle: Ari! I'm in serious trouble! Some chick is saying I sexually harassed her! All I did was ask her if she needed a lift… and maybe I did something with my eyebrows… and maybe I did that thing with my voice that really creep women out… and maybe I did a little dance with my hips – but I swear to god it was all innocent!

Ari:… Turtle no one gives a fuck about you!

He hangs up. He finally walks into this office's lobby as he calls Eric Murphy

Eric: Hey Ari. I assume you heard the news?

Ari: Yeah E. Whats is this about Vince not getting the poon he so rightly deserves as an inexplicable modern day sex god placed on a pedestal of reverence by a decadent and image obsessed culture?

Eric:… What?

Ari: What?

**Ari pauses, confused, until Eric keeps speaking**

Eric: … Look, I called up Variety. Apparently someone got Vince confused with his brother Johnny.

Vince: Well good. Why is Drama not getting enough sex?

Eric: I don't know, but he's all freaked out about it.

**Ari's call waiting goes off. It's Johnny Drama**

Ari: Hold on, the idiot's calling me.

Eric: That's cool. Ill talk to you later. I have to go on a date with my Fiance Sloane, who I love completely, despite the fact that she seemed to vanish off the face of the Earth for 2 seasons and I didn't care at all.

Ari: Good luck with that.

**Ari switches to Johnny as he walk into his office.**

Ari: What is it Johnny?

Johnny: Ari, im thinking of having my pecs bronzed to get me more offers. What do you think?

Ari: …What?

Johnny: Its this new procedure. They take your chest and they dip it in molton hot bronze to preserve its tone forever! Christopher Walken had it done and his phone has been ringing off the hook with work! I figure its gotta work for me, you know?

Ari: Johnny, you don't need to have your pecs bronzed! In fact, I don't even think its possible without killing you.

Johnny:… You don't think I have what it takes to make it in this town, do you?

Ari: Johnny you've had a string of starring roles on several highly rated television shows when most struggling actors have gone through their entire careers without even a job as an extra on a soap opera under their belts. To be fair, you're actually very lucky to have made it this-

Johnny: That's bull Ari! If I don't permanently encase my chest in bronze, I will not make it as an actor! Im sure you read Variety by now! They say im not hitting my random chick quota! I didn't even know I had a quota!

Ari: Every male actor in this town has a quota Drama!

Johnny: That's all the more reason to get my chest dipped in scalding molten bronze! If you were a chick, what would you rather have: An only slightly muscular build or the bronzed figure of a modern day sex god placed on a pedestal of reverence by a decadent-

Ari: We already did that joke Drama!

Johnny: Oh… See Im not even up to speed on the plot! I desperately need my chest bronzed!

Ari: **Sighs** …Johnny, as your agent I am 100% against this… that being said, I know the number of a reputable chest bronzing doctor who you'll be marginally safe with. Ill have Lloyd text it to you.

Johnny: Thanks Ari! I'll give him a ring. This is gonna put me back on top!

**Johnny hangs up. Ari sits down and takes a rest for a moment before his phone rings again**

Ari: Oh what the fu- **Answers** Ari Gold Speaking.

**Cut to Chistropher walken, his bronzed chest glimmering in the morning sun**

Christopher: Ari…. I cant tell you how happy I am… that you gave me the number… to that chest brozening doctor.

Ari: Yeah well I shouldn't have because now one of my other clients wants it too.

Christopher: Well they should… Since I got my chest bronzed… ive managed to defeat… my romantic rival…

Ari: **shocked **Wait a minute? Do you mean

Christopher: that's right ari… Im the one…. Who's fucking with Drama's quota.

**Cue dramatic music stab as we pan back and reveal no less that 50 naked women. **

**And scene!**

_**End credits music:… something by Jane's Addiction. Just fill in your favorite Jane's addiction song and sing it to yourself.**_


End file.
